so this is what that feels like.

every time I close my eyes, an internal alarm screams in a panic. it is deafening, it pounds in my head, over and over. I lay in the dark, eyes wide open, heart still pumping, but I am not alive...I am not living, I merely exist. lungs need oxygen...souls are a bit more complicated; it's safe to say I am suffocating. my guts feel rotten. it's like heartbreak, only life is in the role of the boyfriend, and everyday we are breaking up. I think I could count every second out loud and never run out of breath. this is not real, this cannot be all there is. I feel as though I will wake to my reality any moment now.

holy shit.

i have not logged into this thing in forever.

quickie update: I fucked up both ankles, one broken, and a grade 3 sprain, in air casts for a month and a half, cannot walk much at all, terrible pain.

that's pretty much the most exciting (and not even in a good way) thing going on right now.

This is to you, and you, and you.

I love you in such a way that it twists my guts inside out. This is not a profession, this is an acceptance of a hate that I cannot nurse back to life.

Being with you is a flashback to 13 years old and holding hands; sweaty and awkward. It's disappointing but somehow a thrill, a milestone that proves in some way that we are all just kids making our way onto another stage.

You scare me. Mostly because your frayed edges are unraveling right before me, and I feel as though I'm pulling the thread. You scare me because I am you â�“ if I lose you, I lose myself.

You are scanning this looking for the part about yourself; don't waste your time, I won't be wasting any more of mine on you.

You are smiles and laughter. You make me feel as though I am part of something that matters, a friendship built on everything that counts. I have watched you blossom into a beautiful person, you have watched me retrace my steps and fill the cracks.

When you finally get to whatever point you are trying to make, there will be no one left to prove wrong. You are like an addict, high and oblivious. Wait for those that sneak up at night; slip into your head, and whisper 'what have you done?'. When you run out of excuses, you're left with stupidity.

I miss you. I love you. This will never change. It's kind of funny, when you said that to me, about how it feels to love someone and know without a doubt they don't care about you, I thought to myself 'yeah, I know'. It's not the same, but it is. I will never have another friend as amazing as you.

I give up, too. I can take a hint, I can also apparently take a slap in the face.

You are beautiful. Thank you for saving me day after day.

You are the glue; please don't let him break.

I love you sunshine. 'we put the pos in pos' FFF - always.

p.s. back to you, i just saw. please know my absence was not out of choice. I wanted to be there, but I couldn't. I drove by and saw you, and I swear it all came back. They told me it was ok, but it wasn't. im sorry i was too scared to own up to it. please know that its all the same, everything. it will never change.

Mangifera's Journals

so this is what that feels like.

holy shit.

This is to you, and you, and you.